So your friends have just gotten a new foster care placement, and you want to show your support, but don’t know how?
Think about what you’d do if they’d just had a baby: Do you remember what the first few weeks were like after you had your baby? Your whole world was rocked. You were tired and overwhelmed. If you already had children, there was an adjustment period and moments of jealousy. Routine housework fell by the wayside. Making dinner seemed like a monumental task.
Just because a foster mother doesn’t go through childbirth doesn’t mean that the first few weeks for a foster family are any different, regardless of the age of the child they bring into their home. They could use a meal that someone else made or an offer to stop by and help with whatever they need to catch up on. If it’s something you would do when a family had a new baby, you can bet its’ something a foster family would appreciate.
Firstly, realize that every new kid is a big deal to a foster family. Even those who have been doing this for years know how much one new child changes things- imagine how much everything changes if they get a sibling group. Remember, they said yes when they could have said no to this child coming to them, knowing full well that this may not be a walk in the park. So, follow their lead, but in general, be excited with them. Ask about the child (the foster family will filter out things for confidentiality, so don’t be upset if they don’t tell you everything- but ask about who the kid is, what they like to do, etc.). Ask about your friends thoughts, feelings, worries and excitement- both before when the child is a possibility and after the child is a reality, they are probably going through a lot of emotions.
And then LISTEN, listen a lot. What people need most is simply a listening ear for all of the ups and downs of a new kid. The first few weeks are the “honeymoon” phase where the kids are normally still settling in and seem to be well behaved, but when they get comfortable, and start feeling safe is when they start having more ups and downs. This can be a very trying period for foster families. Listen and remember they are a foster parent on purpose and knew what they were getting into. At this moment, they do not need your insight into what all 4-year-olds are like, advice on what to do when they misbehave, etc, etc. Wait until asked to share your wisdom, what they really need is a friend.
On the more practical side:
- Make a Meal/Buy groceries. I say groceries because while making a meal is great, many kids in foster care are coming out of chaos where meals were the easiest, fastest thing available (think McDonalds), so a delicious, healthy, casserole might not be up their alley- and if they don’t like it the family will have to cook another meal anyway, so it doesn’t always end up helping that much. Stick to easy, basic kid food- milk, bread, chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, fruit snacks, apples, bananas, grapes, goldfish, hot dogs, etc. If you would rather make them a meal, ask the family before you bring them something, and again try to stick to kid friendly meals, and ask about allergies/food sensitivities.
- Ask if they need you to run any errands for them- running to the post office, picking up something specific at the store, a pack of diapers, etc. Maybe they even could use some company going to all their appointments.
- Come to the door and ask if NOW is a good time to wash some dishes, or fold the laundry. You could call but chances are, they won’t know the kids schedule or when a good time will be and most likely their brain will be so fried they couldn’t remember even if they did say it was a good time. And if they’re not home, call and ask where the hide a key is and do it while they are out. Because, if you know where they live and are coming to serve them, they most likely trust you.
- Stop by after bedtime just to say hi. When kids are getting settled, a lot of extra faces can be overwhelming, but the parents still need socializing and friends-especially if they feel stuck at home until the kids get comfortable. So come to them (and bring dessert- nice treat at the end of their long day).
- Ask if there is something the other kids in the home need (transportation to/from school events, church functions, etc.) Most likely they will want to keep the newest kiddos the closest for a time, so help with the other, more settled members of the family might be more readily accepted.
- Think about what might be hard doing with a child literally attached to your hip, or running away at mock ten (both possibilities in those first few weeks), and offer to help with that. Shoveling in winter, mowing the grass in summer, cleaning out the car, weeding the garden all come to mind, but I am sure there are others.
- Offer to Babysit- Depending on the regulations of the sate you live in, you may or may not be able to babysit a foster child- ask if you are able to babysit. If you are able to babysit- offer the foster parents some free babysitting hours so they can get some alone time, maybe even have a kid free date night. However, if the foster family also has biological or adopted children, it can be a huge relief to them to have someone they can count on for babysitting. Parental visitation meetings usually take place at least once per week which can be draining, especially if other children have to go along. There are also doctor’s visits, meetings, and trainings to attend. Simply knowing that their other children are having one on one time with family and friends can take a load off a foster parent’s mind and give them a much needed break.
- Offer items they might need- many times a foster family is only given an hour’s notice before they need to pick up their foster children and they probably don’t have anything that they’ll need for the days and weeks to come. The child usually doesn’t come with much of anything, in the way of possessions either, which leaves foster families scrambling for the things they need. If you have gently used children’s clothing, consider offering it to a foster family-same thing goes for toys, books, and other supplies. Depending on the ages of the foster kids you might even consider buying small packs of diapers in various sizes, wipes, or even some pajamas for them to keep on hand for those late night emergency foster placements when they might not be able to get to the store.
- Give them gift cards for the children’s needs- Ask them where they do their shopping and get them a gift card for that store. You may know that foster parents receive a stipend to help with the children’s needs, but often it doesn’t really cover the needs of a child that has just arrived in their care.
- Pray for them or send them an encouraging text to them throughout the day- foster parenting can be a long, emotionally exhausting experience. Pray for your friends to feel the comfort, wisdom, love and provision of their Heavenly Father. Let them know how well they are doing, how proud of them you are, or just let them know that it gets better.
And lastly, ASK what you can do!!- Just because a foster family looks like they’re doing okay doesn’t mean they don’t need anything. Ask how you can help and really listen to what they tell you. Maybe they have a tangible need or may they just need someone to talk to, but you’ll never know unless you ask! Then make sure you follow through and help in whatever capacity you can that matches what they need.
Perez Family Foster Journey 